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Guidelines For Grace Church Weddings
At Grace Reformed Church we do not seek to “do” weddings, but to “institute Christian marriages.” We acknowledge that there is a lot of confusion in our society about marriage. There seems to less and less commitment to a couples’ marriage vows. Therefore, to encourage healthy marriages that depend on the help of Jesus Christ, we have adopted the following guidelines for couples who seek to use Grace Reformed Church for their wedding ceremony. We recognize that the building is only brick and mortar, but when a couple says that they are gathering before GOD and those who have come to witness their marriage we want to take this serious, like GOD does for those who make a vow.
- In seeking a reservation for church building, a couple wishing to be married at Grace Reformed Church will first meet with the pastor. At this meeting, the pastor will share the guidelines and expectations of the church, and he will ask pertinent questions of the couple. The couple will be able to ask questions of the pastor as well. After this meeting, the pastor and the couple will determine if they would like to go forward with counseling and the planning of a Grace Reformed Church wedding.
- Upon agreeing to continue, the couple will agree to complete the material outlined for the 4 sessions with the pastor, and will agree to sign the “Pre-Marriage Agreement” form which includes completing the PREPARE inventory with a professional counselor.
- The couple can then complete The Wedding Information Sheet. This sheet outlines the specific request of rooms and their prices.
- At this point the pastor will bring the request to the board of Elders.
- Expectations for the couple:
- Agree to the guidelines
- Be regular in attending worship services
- Commit to live GOD’s way
- Couples requesting our facilities, but who request a pastor from another to perform the ceremony, will still meet with one of a pastor of Grace Reformed Church first. The pastor will follow the same guidelines as listed above, being assured that similar counseling will be provided. Again the request will be brought to the Grace Reformed Church Elder Board at the appropriate time.
On the first meeting with the couple the pastor will share GOD’s view of marriage from the following Bible passages. The pastor will seek to determine if the couple is equally yoked and if they are living sexually pure lives. In the event that there are issues here, then counseling will begin at this point and will not proceed toward marriage until these issues are dealt with.
GOD’s view of marriage:
- Marriage is a lifelong commitment
Matthew 5:32-33 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
33"Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.'
- Marriage is between two people of the same faith
2 Cor. 6:14-15 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
- Marriage is GOD’s idea, He is the architect
Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
- Marriage brings intimacy: saved for the husband and wife relationship after the wedding
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
1 Thes. 4:3-4 It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable,
A Booklet On God’s Design for Love, Sex and Cohabitation
[Resources: Nicky Gumbel pamphet & Living Springs Church}
We strongly urge you to read the booklet - Is There Anything Wrong with Sex Before Marriage – before you read these statements. This booklet contains a good foundation for the principles outlined below. If you don’t read this booklet the following points may be misunderstood as being narrow, judgmental or simply old-fashioned.
We live in a sexually charged culture whose values are ambiguous and not necessarily God-honoring. Our purpose in the following statements is to give some loving guidelines to couples, singles, or anyone interested in what the Bible teaches on God’s design for human sexuality. Our purpose is not to condemn, judge, or criticize people for the choices that they have made, but a desire for people to experience the full riches of God’s design for sex, the joy of intimacy, and to protect people from harm.
1) We affirm the Beauty of Sexuality within God’s perfect design. We acknowledge that God created us to enjoy sex within the context of marriage. In fact, GOD is the architect marriage: He designed marriage, and then He walked the first bride, Eve, to her husband, Adam.
The biblical context of sexual intercourse is the lifelong commitment in marriage between one man and one woman. Jesus reminded his followers of God’s design by going back to the creation account (Matthew 19:5-6 quoting Genesis 2:24-25) For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
“Here we see the key to the biblical understanding of marriage. First, there is a leaving – a public act of lifelong exclusive commitment. Second, there is a uniting [a cleaving] of the man and the woman. They are “glued together” in marriage. Third, it is in this context that the “one flesh” sexual union takes place. It is not just physical and biological, but emotional, psychological, spiritual and social. Our whole beings are united in marriage; sexual intercourse is not just a response to a physical desire. The physical union both expresses the other unions and also brings them about. We express ourselves with our bodies, and the act of intercourse expresses our unity.” (From Gumbel’s booklet)
2) We acknowledge that Sex outside of God’s design in marriage is both Hurtful and Sinful. God’s beautiful plan for human sexuality has been distorted by our own human sinfulness. Our sin affects every area of our lives, including our sexuality. None of us is perfect in the area of sexual purity, and therefore, none of us has the right to pass judgment on others sexual behavior. Consider what Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7) The fact that we are all guilty does not mean that it does not matter, or that we should make no attempt to avoid sin. Jesus told the woman, “Leave your life of sin” (John 8:11). “The maker’s instructions were given out of love. It is not that when He sees people enjoying themselves he says, “I’ll put a stop to that!” but rather that God does not want us to get hurt.” (Gumbel)
Sin is anything we do that violates God’s laws of love and protection. God’s laws are kind of like the banks of a river. A river, when kept within its banks is beautiful, and life-giving, but when a river floods and overflows its banks, it is terribly destructive. Likewise, when sex is kept within God’s loving “banks” it is wonderfully beautiful and life-enriching, but when we violate God’s laws we risk real hurt and damage. We risk hurting ourselves (e.g. pre-marital sex increases the chances of extramarital sex, there is regret at the wedding – like opening a package before Christmas, etc.) we risk hurting others (e.g. if sexual relationship does not last it can damage future marriage through jealousy and resentment; could contract disease, unwanted pregnancy). Extramarital sex also hurts our relationship with God. As with breaking any of God’s laws of love, it has consequences and hurts our relationship with God. It is impossible to combine wholehearted love and service of God with disobedience in the area of sexual immorality.
3. We affirm Jesus’ approach to dealing with people who are involved in an extramarital sexual relationship. We recognize that all of us have areas of sin and wrong- doing, and none of us is in a position to “throw stones” at anyone else. Out of love for God, and care and concern for people, we do ask people, as Jesus did, to leave their sin behind them, and move onto the joy and freedom of sex within God’s loving boundaries. Forgiveness comes through repentance (see Psalm 51, for King David’s repentance for sexual sin) or saying we are sorry for the things that we have done wrong. The good news is, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) God is waiting to forgive us, cleanse us, heal us, renew and restore purity to us.
Then we encourage individuals or couples who have been sexually active to resist temptation, avoid tempting situations, and get help or accountability to remain pure. It is our firm belief that when we subject this area of life to God’s laws of love, we honor God, we ourselves will avoid hurt, guilt, and regret, and our relationship with God can flourish. Many married couples suffer a lot of pain over the sexual choices they have made outside of God’s loving design, but we know of none who ever regretted steps that they had taken for sexual purity before marriage.
This is what GOD says about sex and marriage:
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
This is GOD’s design for happy, healthy couples. He has our best interest in mind.
4. It is our conviction that Co-habitation before marriage is not God’s will for a couple. There are many important reasons that we hold this view:
Ø A couple who lives together before marriage misses out on the joy and discovery of a new life being lived together after marriage. The anticipation and delayed gratification of waiting for marriage to live together makes for a wonderful and exciting time after marriage. Because of this, many couples experience a loss or let down after the wedding and regret their decision to live together before they were married.
Ø Cohabitation often undermines the primary values that make for a strong marriage. Marriage is a covenant before God to commit ones life to another in the most sacred of human relationships – as husband and wife. This relationship as the vows state are for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live. It is a decision and a commitment to love and cherish another person – no matter what! Often times, couples cohabitate as kind of a trial run, to see if they are “compatible,” and if not they can break it off. This understanding of relationships (if it works out fine, if it doesn’t we will just end it), if brought into the marriage, leads to the culture of divorce that we find ourselves in. Without the covenant and commitment of marriage, many couples experience insecurity, hurt, brokenness and often ends in failure and separation. This truth is born out statistically. Depending on which study you read, those who lived together before marriage were 60-75% more likely to have divorced after marriage than similar couples who had not done so.
Ø It is an open door to sexual temptation, sexual sin or sexual frustration.
Ø As Christians we are called to be Ambassadors of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20). As Ambassadors we represent Christ to the world. If a couple lives together before marriage it sends a confusing message to children, youth and the unchurched world. Even if a couple is very mature and is abstaining sexually, others will not know this. Because of our cultures view of sexuality, most people would assume that because a couple is living together they are also sleeping together. We do not believe that that message represents Christ well. Also, the Bible challenges Christians not to put any stumbling block in the way of a younger or more immature brother (Romans 14:13; 21). If for example, a young person who is thinking about living together with his/her boyfriend or girlfriend sees that another Christian couple is living together, they might feel that it is therefore ok for them to do it as well.
Therefore, because of the potential harm to a couple, to the name of Christ, and the potential harm that it could cause to another believer, it is our conviction that co-habitation before marriage is not God’s will. Because of the potential harm of co-habitation, and the joy found in following God’s guidelines, we urge co-habitating couples to find other living arrangements until after they are married. If you are cohabitating currently and wish to get married, we want to affirm your decision. We do ask that you talk to the pastor who will marry you to discuss your living arrangement. The church recognizes that economic reasons are often behind co-habitation. Low-cost or even no-cost separate living arrangements for a couple can often be found until after their wedding.
5. We believe that while these decisions to honor God, and our future spouse can be difficult, if we follow God’s guidelines we will honor him, and be blessed in return. (See Deut. 30:11-19)
Deut. 30:11-19 Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. 12It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, "Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?" 13Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, "Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?" 14No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it.
15See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. 16For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.
17But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, 18I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.
19This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live
6. We believe there is a choice: GOD’s will and our good, or immediate personal desires being met through harmful behavior. This is not about legalism, but about love, joy, and GOD’s glory through our trusting obedience to His Word. It is about “GOD’s Word, and Our Walk.” It is about relationships, yours and GOD’s; yours and your spouses. May the Lord bless you.
PROCEDURES FOR WEDDING CEREMONIES
AT
GRACE REFORMED CHURCH
2740 Indiana Avenue
LANSING, IL
A WEDDING is meant to be a significant event in the life of those who enter marriage. The founding of a Christian home by individuals who seek God’s guidance and blessing is important to Christ’s people and His church. The people and pastors at Grace Reformed Church are anxious to join in helping to provide the kind of service to those requesting the use of church facilities and properties for the instituting of a Christian marriage. Since we want your wedding ceremony to be as meaningful and beautiful as possible, the following guidelines have been established by the Elders of Grace Reformed Church. We request that you acquaint yourself with and adhere to the guidelines and policies. May God bless you in these days of preparation for one of the most important steps in your life.
MAKING THE INITIAL REQUEST FOR GETTING MARRIED
The use of the church facilities and the services of the pastor should be a first thought in planning for a church wedding. Setting the date and obtaining the services of one of our pastors can be made through the church office or by contacting the pastor personally. A Wedding Information Sheet, included with this packet, must be filled out and signed by either applicant and submitted to the church office at least sixty (60) days prior to the wedding, and earlier if possible. If the request includes having a minister other that a pastor Grace Reformed Church to perform the ceremony, then approval for such a request must be given by the Elders.
PASTORAL ASSISTANCE IN PREMARITAL COUNSELING
Here at Grace Church we don’t “do weddings;” we “institute Christian marriages,” and an integral part of that is participating in premarital counseling sessions. The pastor reserves the right to speak with the couple prior to the rehearsal and wedding. He will make arrangements for premarital counseling and requests your participation, discussing with you your plans for the wedding, your future together, and the establishing of a Christian marriage. A Christian marriage ceremony honors God, who established marriage, and the plans should be made with priority to God’s Word and instruction concerning this very special relationship.
DATE AND TIME
The date and hour of your ceremony is of primary consideration. Several items to keep in mind as this is set include availability of the church facilities and minister, the time most convenient for relatives and friends, and the time of the reception, if there is such. Allowances should be made for travel, pictures, etc. Please note: On Saturdays, the wedding and/or reception should be finished by 8:00 p.m. for custodial considerations.
REHEARSAL
If you are planning a wedding which includes attendants, music, and participation by others, a rehearsal is most helpful. All participants should be present if possible so they can be apprised of their positions and duties and the procedures of the ceremony. If one or more of these cannot be at the rehearsal, it absolutely necessary for the Bride, Groom, Best Man, Maid of Honor, at lest one male and female attendant and at least two ushers to be in attendance. The minister will conduct the rehearsal according to your plans discussed during consultation with him at previous sessions. The rehearsal is generally held on the evening before the wedding at an agreed time, unless other arrangements are necessary to accommodate participants and church use.
THE MARRIAGE LICENSE
The State of Illinois requires that a medical examination be taken by persons making application for a license to marry at any time within fifteen (15) days prior to such application. A license to marry becomes effective in the county where it was issued one day after the date of issue and expires sixty (60) days after it becomes effective. Both parties must complete and sign the application. The license is to be given to the pastor at least 24 hours prior to the wedding.
THE CEREMONY
Copies of the wedding ceremony (order of service) have been prepared by the pastor and will be presented and discussed with you at the first counseling session. Several options are available within the ceremony and choices for these will be indicated at the session.
THE MUSIC
A Christian wedding should reflect the Christian spirit and faith of the couple being married. The choice of music should be made so that God will be honored and praised with instrument and voice. Selections should be expressive of your faith and devotion to God and each other. All music should be given approval by the pastor prior to the wedding. The Bride and Groom are responsible for securing the organist and soloist for the ceremony. The Pastor will be happy to make suggestions and recommendations. Please note: all instruments will remain in the sanctuary and are available for use. Should you want to use an instrumentalist not of Grace Church, please inform the pastor.
THE SOUND SYSTEM
Arrangements for an audio technician to be present at the time of the rehearsal and the wedding must be made by the couple well in advance of these times. Contact the current Chairman of the Audio Committee to make these arrangements.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER
Pictures of the bridal party may be taken before or after the ceremony. Pictures of the ceremony may be taken from the back or the balcony (time exposure without flash) if permission has been received from the pastor. Flash pictures during the ceremony are discouraged. Video taping of the wedding is permissible under certain guidelines. If you are interested, please make prior arrangements with the pastor.
BUILDING PREPARATIONS
The Bride and Groom will need to contact the custodian concerning building preparations for the ceremony and if applicable the reception. The purpose of this is to discuss lighting, arrangement of equipment, which rooms will be used, time of flower delivery, etc.
USE OF CANDLES and THROWING OF RICE
We require the use of dripless candles only wherever candles are used. When candelabra are used on the platform, we also require that the carpet below the candles be covered. We prohibit the throwing of rice at weddings following the ceremony when the bride and groom exit -- reasons include the difficulty in cleanup when it is scattered on the sidewalks and carpet. If anything must be thrown, we suggest bird seed.
EXPENSES OF A CHURCH WEDDING
We do not wish to place a financial burden on anyone wishing to use the church facilities for a church wedding. However, there are certain fees connected with the use of the church and services provided. The Procedures for Use of Church Property will indicate the amounts of the fees according to the use of the facilities and rules for use of same. The pastor has no set fee or charge for his services in performing weddings. Any consideration of expressing appreciation to him for this service should be a gratuity on the part of those being married by him. His wish and prayer is that the marriage ceremony will be meaningful and remembered with joy and happiness by those whom he has united together in marriage.
EXCEPTIONS TO GUIDELINES
There are times when exceptions to these guidelines will be requested. If there are such, please make them known to the pastor as soon as possible, preferably when the initial contact is made requesting use of the church facilities and the services of the minister. Every effort will be made to honor requests when they are not in violation of church policy.
THE RECEPTION
When a wedding reception is held in the church halls, the rules and guidelines indicate clearly that no use of alcohol or tobacco is allowed. We wish to discourage the serving of alcoholic beverages at wedding receptions and celebrations held at restaurants and public halls. Scriptures reminds us as professing Christians that we are members of the Body of Christ. Thus, God calls us to witness to this and we believe that the best witness we can make in our belonging to Him is to glorify God in all that we do. Following this Biblical truth would eliminate any possible misuse of alcoholic beverages and, as Christians, we would be making a positive emphasis to one another and to the world.
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